Defying Great Expectations

 Today I passed up an opportunity to go to an interview at my dream job.

It was something I have been thinking about for a few years now. Not really sure if I was up to the task because of my looks, weight, a rather introverted personality (and that job probably requires the opposites of the aforementioned), I was putting it off for years. But, when I saw a job advert last month, I jumped the gun and sent my CV, already envisioning myself perform daily duties, create empowering experiences and post inspirational and aesthetic content on social media. However, the reality crept in – as usual – a day before the event. I realised there is no way I can make it work (wordplay intended). They will not pay for my training (for which I would have to move for three weeks to a different city), I would have to commute every day for approximately 4 hours to work there (not having a car, mind you), it was an offer only for the temporary job, so after working for three months in October, I would be jobless again, and so on, and so on. All these arguments seem reasonable not to take up the job, but as soon as I resigned from going to the interview, something dawned on me. I always do this.

I always back out at the last moment possible, and find excuses to justify my resignation. There are many instances in my life when I made a decision, only to change my mind the last minute, because I am too afraid, too anxious, too insecure, too unsure. My indecisiveness often prevents me from doing something I desperately want.

But do I want it, really? Was it really a dream job?

It takes a village to bring up a child. Each villager fills the child’s head with set examples from the past the child should follow. We are programmed by the society to want to do, to have certain things. For example, by the time you are 25, you should have received good education, have lived an exciting student life, and have some love life. Life nowadays should be about out-of-the-box experiences: working as a freelancer or entrepreneur, hiking in the Himalayas, embodying mindfulness while observing elephants in Africa, and social networking with people all over the world. Many of these expectations – however exhilarating they wouldn’t sound – actually build up the overwhelming pressure to live our lives to the fullest and never miss any thrilling opportunity that life gives us – because it might come up only once, and in general, you should “live life to the full”.

Lewis Carroll said that we only regret the chances we did not take. I have never been a fan of Alice in Wonderland (I would rather sympathise with her older sister who read a book "with no pictures and conversations in it" in the garden), so I do not feel guilty for admitting that I do not agree with the distinguished author. I never for once regretted not having gone to study in Italy last year. Instead, I stayed put and made amazing memories in the place where I already was. I do not mull over not telling the boy in high school that I liked him. I do not contemplate not staying longer at a job I quit two years ago.

Could everything have been different? Yes. Different, but not better.

Because, underneath the anxiety about my future that sometimes creeps up on me, I like my present life. I like where all the chances I have missed have led me. It might not be the perfect place, or the place where I should be at right now, but this is my place. I decided to name it mine.

So, I guess the best solution for someone who constantly comes up with alternative scenarios for their life is this quote from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: “I hope you live the life you’re proud of. And if you find that you’re not… I hope you have the strength to start all over again”.